This
is a personal story of grief told by Susan, a retired nurse.
Grief is something almost everyone will experience in
their lifetime. Grief can be over a
loved one, a friend, or a pet among other things. As someone who has certainly had my share of
grief, I would like to add a personal touch to this.
1993
The summer of 1993 was a long summer. After a battle with prostate cancer, my
father passed away. I had to be there
for my mom, so my grief had to be silenced while in her presence. What bothered me the most was that my fiancé
and I had decided to get married well ahead of our planned October wedding, I
did not think my dad would make it that long. We went away for the weekend and married, with intentions of surprising
my parents on my dad’s birthday. The
problem was, he did not make it to his birthday, passing away a few days
prior. Much of my grief was over the
fact that I did not have the opportunity to share the good news with my
father. My mother grieved, however my
family and I helped her through it, and she soon adjusted to living on her own.
January 1998
My husband had not been feeling very well, and someone
made the comment he looked very pale. I
had to agree, he did not look his usual cheerful self. After an ultra sound and an endoscopy, we
received the news that my husband, only in his 40s, had pancreatic cancer. Because I was in the health profession, I knew
exactly what was to come. It had already spread to his liver.
My grief started that very day. I knew that I would lose him way too soon,
and I went through a range of emotions, all associated with grief. Anger I could not help but feel this was not
fair. He was not a drinker or smoker. He was however a chemist working with chemicals’
could not help but wonders if his career choice caused this. Others in our lives offered words of hope,
but from that day of the diagnosis, my grief began. My dear mother tried to say he could beat it,
which I knew very well would not happen.Others just did not know what to say,
other than one very dear friend of ours. He said, we will all die someday, his time may be too soon, but we will
all go someday. Reality was just what I
needed in that moment, and those words actually helped.
Then came months of chemo, some good days, and some
bad, but we were together. The problem I
felt like was the entire time, even on the good days, that grief hung over me
24/7. In September after his diagnosis,
I received a call that my mom had fallen. I traveled back home, assuming a fall isn’t good, but not that terrible
either. By the time I arrived she was in
a coma. Her fall caused her to lie in
the floor for 18 hours, and when paramedics lifted her, she had a heart
attack. I lost my mother that day very
unexpectedly.
Arriving back home, my husband went for his routine
ultra sound, and we were told the tumor had doubled in size. First my mother, now my husband. I felt like
I walked in a bubble of grief non-stop. 5 months later I lost my husband after a difficult battle. The very strange thing was, I did not grieve
as much after his death as I did while he was alive. I finally came to terms with the fact that I
had grieved over the inevitable, which in some ways lessened my grief after his
passing.
There is one thing I learned. This has helped me many
times with the families of patients. That is, there are no set rules for grief. Just as every person is unique, so is
grief. Explain to the family members
that their grief is something unique to them, and when others say, “you should”
etc., take it with a grain of salt.
Don’t top grief off with guilt. No loved one would want that for their
family. If the family wants grief
support, it should be available, if not; it may just be the way the family
grieves. The one certain thing about the
grieving process is: There is no right or wrong way.
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